01 · 4 min
Questions that aren't an interview
Being curious feels warm. An interview feels like a clipboard. She can tell which one you brought.
Loads of guys think they’re being interested when they’re really just working through a list. Where are you from, what do you do, any brothers or sisters, where do you see yourself in five years. Each question is fine. Together they feel like filling in a form.
The difference is following through. An interview moves on to the next box. Genuine curiosity stays with the last answer. If she says she moved to Manchester for a job she wasn’t sure about, ask about that — not her flatmate’s name.
Ask something you couldn’t have asked the woman at the next table.
Three habits that change the feel
Repeat one detail back in your own words before you ask anything else. It shows you were listening, not just waiting for her to finish. Then go smaller, not bigger. ‘What was the bit you nearly turned down?’ beats ‘So what’s your dream?’
Share something of your own, about the same size. If she tells you something ordinary and true, match it. Don’t answer a story about her dad’s café with a speech about your ambitions. Keeping it in proportion is a kind of respect.
And leave her a way out. ‘Tell me if this is too nosy’ isn’t weak. It tells her she doesn’t have to answer — which makes her far more likely to feel comfortable doing it.