Consent is a conversation

Consent isn’t a vibe you pick up on, and it isn’t a box you tick at the start of the night. It’s an ongoing conversation about a particular thing, with a particular person, right now. Last week’s great date isn’t tonight’s yes. A kiss isn’t a yes to anything after it.

A lot of us were told that asking ‘kills the moment’. What it actually kills is the guesswork. Asked with a smile, a question can be the flirtiest thing you say all night. A moment that survives a clear question was a real one. One that needed her to freeze, laugh it off or go along with it was never yours to keep.

If you need her slightly unsure to carry on, you’re not being bold. You’re being vague on purpose.

What a good ask sounds like

Short, specific and finished. ‘I’d love to kiss you. Do you want that?’ Then you wait, hands to yourself. ‘Want to come back to mine?’ is only a real question if ‘no thanks’ is a perfectly normal answer that costs her nothing. Watch what you do in the pause. The pause is the whole skill.

A no, a not sure, a joke that changes the subject, a body that goes still — those are all answers. You don’t need a second vote. And you don’t get to go cold afterwards. Taking a no well is part of being someone she’d feel safe saying yes to later — or simply someone she’s glad she met.

If you’ve been drinking, your read on things gets worse and it’s harder for her to steer. That’s a reason to talk more, not less — and if either of you is properly drunk, it’s a reason to leave it for another night. When in doubt, stop and ask. Stopping is always an option. It might be the most attractive thing a lot of guys never say: ‘I want to, and I want you to be sure. We can leave it here.’