04 · 4 min
Apologise without the speech
A good apology is small and specific. A speech is asking to be forgiven before you’ve said what you did.
When a decent bloke realises he’s been careless, he often launches into a speech. His intentions, his stressful week, why the joke was funny in theory. None of that is the apology. The apology is the one sentence that names what you did, without asking her to make it smaller.
I'm sorry I joked about your work. It was dismissive. I'll leave that alone.
That’s a complete apology. What ruins it is the follow-up: ‘Are we good?’ in the same breath. Give her the apology and some time. If she wants to talk about it, she will. If she wants to change the subject, let it change. Chasing reassurance makes it about your comfort, not hers.
Don't apologise for her feeling
‘Sorry you felt that way’ is a dodge. It owns nothing. ‘Sorry I was sharp when you were late’ owns what you did. Keep the focus on your actions. If you’re not sure what you did, ask once — ‘I can see that landed badly. What did you hear?’ — and then listen without building your defence while she talks.
Doing the same thing again isn’t a wording problem. If you’re apologising for the same thing every month, the genuine fix is to stop doing it, not to polish the apology. People trust what you do, not what you explain.